Wednesday, October 7, 2009

The Engagement Sword

It has recently come to my attention that men of our culture have been vastly overlooked in the engagement gift department. As rumor has it, it is quite common in other cultures (and has been for some time) for the bride-to-be to give her future husband a sword as an engagement gift. This makes sense to me as the man will now be her protector and her future family's protector, thereby making the sword a form of necessity. Furthermore, the sword can feature the family's crest or name engraved on the blade to make for a heirloom for future generations.

Ladies, go out there and get your man an engagement sword. If you are already married, I recommend and engagement sword for your anniversary.

Friday, March 13, 2009

If Needed

Alrighty, so I was sitting on the toilet yesterday (don't you just love stories that begin that way?). I glanced down at my undies out of pure boredom. What caught my eye was the care instructions printed on them. You know, fairly normal stuff, such as "Machine wash cold" and "Tumble dry low." That is all well and good, these items are important to me as I intend to both wash and dry my underwear. It is the next instruction, however, that I was a little consternated about. It reads, "cool iron if needed." REALLY!?!?! Under what scenario would I ever NEED to iron my underwear???? I'll be the first to admit that I have at times left (clean) underwear balled up in a heap of clean laundry for (at least) a week before getting around to the folding. But, I gotta be honest with you, those set-in wrinkles in my panties don't really bother me that much.

I just don't know what else to say, but if any of you out there are of the "underwear ironing needed" persuasion, I would love to hear about when this need crops up (exclusive of those underwear models out there, I assume it is part of your job to ensure that your "uniform" is wrinkle free).

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Ghetto Fabulous

First let me say, I feel lucky to have an automobile that runs and gets me to work.

Now, lets discuss how ghetto it feels to have to roll down my window and reach around to the outside door handle in order to get out of my car. The embarrassment is increased when I forget to take care of this process before turning off the car. Now I have to turn the car BACK on, roll down the window, open the door, roll the window BACK up and then turn the car BACK off.

WTF- This is the second time the door handle has broken on my precious Focus. I just hope nobody from work sees me undertake the above delineated process.

On a positive note, I would like to mention that the parking structure attached to my office building offers me a covered location with which to park my mint 2002 Focus. This is a good thing as it is raining today and when it rains the passenger side floor board tends to fill up with approximately 3-5 inches of water. That is, until it reaches a certain level and then it tends to seep under the seat and fill up the back seat.

For joy!

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Pretend Like I Never Left

Hi there! Taking a nod from my dearest Samson I have decided to update my blog. I do intent to continue this, although I realize making that laborious commitment the night before I start a new job and a month before Christmas is somewhat crazy. Oh well, here goes.

Really I would just like you all to view this sketch of Jim Gaffigan's. I think it is the funniest thing ever!


Hope all is well out there!

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Is that poo on your lip, why yes it is...

Oye Vey! So I went to the butterfly exhibit at the Natural History Museum. Let me explain what exactly this is: Inside the museum, the museum folks set up a sort of butterfly habitat and let the stupid site seers into the habitat so they can be in and around the unfettered insects. I was not over excited about this little endeavor but I went along with it. Personally I didn't want the little bastards to touch me and I was pretty sure they would.

First off, due to the tropical nature of the little buggers the temperature inside the habitat must be kept at around 1000 degrees (probably more like 85-90, but it was freakin hot). Now, in order to make sure the butterflies are all safe and sound, they only allow a dozen (or so) people in at once.

Secondly, please be careful as these glorified moths do have the pesky habit of landing on the ground. Which means that you better watch your step or you'll break little Sally's heart when you squish her favorite insect into the grout.

Last, but not least, keep in mind that these captive butterflies eat more than butterflies found in the wild due to the excess amount of time they have on their hands (wings?) and also the fact that they don't need to "find" their own food, the museum has laid it out everywhere. Two thoughts on this: What happens if these little assholes get loose, will they starve to death because they don't know how to get their own food? (no chance of them getting loose though cuz there is an "after butterfly" room that you have to go through to make sure you don't have any butterfly hitchhikers). Second thought: is the butterfly obesity rate going to rise now that they have such an easy time finding food? Just a thought.

So, having made my prior point, it follows that as the pests eat more, they also crap more. DUH. So, who do you think got pooed on? That's right, yours truly. Luckily the poo is very small, but having said that, it was on my lip. I felt it when it first landed there but it didn't occur to me at the time what it was. Yep, that's right, I walked around with butterfly crap on my lip until my friend noticed and said "you have something black on your lip." Why of course I do, its poo.

Please enjoy some photos:

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Really? You're Joking Right?!?!

Alrighty, so this world is a strange place, I understand that. But, today, two things in particular had me scratching my head.

First, Happy Straw Wrapper Appreciation Day to everyone. Yup, that's right, its Straw Wrapper Appreciation Day today. Beside the fact that I find this absolutely wonderful, I also find this a little odd. First and foremost, this special day for our paper (and sometimes plasic, thanks Subway) friend could not have come at a better time. If you read my previous post you have realized that I have a special fondness for the straw wrapper and can even cause a little trouble with them. There was nothing better this morning than driving into the city listening to the DJ on the radio express his appreciation for the straw wrapper and encourage us all to remember the times of joy those little guys have given to us. I do heart the straw wrapper.

Now, having said that, who in their right mind declares these days to even exist!?!? Seriously, Straw Wrapper Appreciation Day (hereinafter SWAD, I'm getting tired of typing it)? I admit that I am all for SWAD, but it is only a matter of time before we are celebrating something totally benign, like say... Happy Toothpaste Cap Day! or maybe, Happy Batteries From my TV Remote Control Day! Now, no one is denying that these things are great and albeit important, but who decides what items/people/relationships/historical events get a day?

I hope everyone took advantage of this special day, Happy SWAD everyone!

Secondly, and almost even more disturbing. I went on a tour of the White House today. It was pretty cool even though they only let you on the first 2 floors. Which means, basically, if you ask me if I saw anything that you would want to see the answer is no. I essentially saw all the color rooms, you know, the red room, blue room, green room, etc. I actually liked it cuz I was struck with this crazy realization while I was there and all of a sudden everything I had learned about the presidents became so real. Like they existed because I was somewhere where they had been. I realize I should have known this before, but it was just really ... cool? Now, on with the disturbing part. The White House Vistor Center is a few blocks away (or several blocks away if I am leading the pack, sorry for not listening to you Matty). After (finally) making it to the vistor center, the most interesting things that happened to me occured, where else? The bathroom.

Number 1: This is not really what I was going to talk about, but since I found it revolting, I might as well throw it out there. So, you know how sometimes when you flush those high powered toilets some of the water splashes back up? Normally not a problem, as long as you are away from the can at the time. However, lets just say you flush the toilet and then bend over to get some TP with which to blow your nose (as the freaking cold wind has turned it into a faucet), what do you think would happen? That's right boys and girls, the water splashes up and hits you in the face. I was not pleased.

Number 2: The disturbing part: After getting my face washed by the head, I went to wash my hands and of course dry them (lest they freeze and chip off once I get back outside). Sidenote: I understand that there are environmental reasons at work here, but bathrooms that only have hand dryers and no paper towels really irritate me. And that brings me to my point. Please view the picture of the hand dryer that I took in the White House Visitor Center's women's room:

Granted, it is not a good picture. But, trust me here, its a hand dryer. EXCEPT, the label on it says: Jetair Ultimate: Hand/Hair Dryer. Hmmm. Hair Dryer? Really? I imagine that is irrelevant that it took me about five minutes to get my hands from saturated to merely clammy, and that there is no telling how long it would take someone to dry their hair with this bad boy. BUT, more importantly, is this something we really want to be promoting? Public hair drying? Maybe it is really a face dryer for those of us that are unfortunate enough to bend over in front of the commode at the wrong time? I must say, I was quite baffeled by this.

Good Night everyone!

Happy Hump Day for tomorrow, lets really appreciate it!

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Best Weekend Ever!

Ok, last weekend I went up to Boston to suprise L-Star for her birthday and to visit with some of my other friends from Maine. The bestest part was that L didn't know I was coming so I got to suprise her!

Dance Fever

So, upon arriving in Boston, Samson picked me up from the airport and took me to a mall near where he works so I could study (yeah right, hello, can anyone say shopping!) Then when he got out of work we made the trek up to Salem where they live. Let me just say Salem is super cute. When we got to the Star's residence I got to go in first, I think it is safe to say that L was surprised, even in a good way! After imbibing several glasses of wine and welcoming Ken-Star, one of my personal favorites from law school, we waited for L's other friends and then set off to the bar.

L's friend Katie is just about the cutest thing you will ever see, so of course, after having SEVERAL Jack and diets I felt obliged to agree to dancing with her. I believe we danced much of the night away. And, when I could not find anyone to dance with, I prompted danced with a column that was nearby the dance floor. I believe it was Samson that said they were bleaching the column down as we were leaving... yeah, I was getting kinda freaky...

Please enjoy some pics:

One of my personal favorites:

Girl on Girl Action

So, I was super tired by the time the dancing was all done and we got back to the Star's house. Unfortunately there is just one little couch with which to sprawl out on (this is my justification anyhow). Me and Ken-Star proceeded to change into our PJs and do some snuggling:

Yeah, I think we laid like that for about 45 min, we were quite an attraction, but honestly it was just super comfy!


I believe we all know that I have the maturity level of a 12 year-old boy, please keep that in mind. So, we woke up Saturday morning (L-Star, Samson-Star, and Ken-Star) and walked to a nearby diner to get some breakfast. I went in my PJ's, which consisted of my MaineLaw sweatshirt and bright green thermal pants with Eeyores all over them. While we were at the restaurant I decided it would be super fun to "blow" my straw wrapper at Samson by way of ripping a piece of the wrapper off the straw and then blowing in one end, thus shooting the straw wrapper off the end of the straw. (You all know what I mean, right?) I saw the outcome of my actions having a different end result. Instead of hitting Samson in the face with my straw wrapper, it shot past his face and landed on the gentleman behind him. Now, had the diner patron been wearing ANYTHING else, it probably would have been fine, but as the case may be, he was wearing fleece. As most of you may now, fleece is as close to velcro as material can get, so OF COURSE, the straw wrapper stuck to his jacket and was sticking straight out. I thought I might die. Fortunately enough, the gentleman didn't notice. Unfortunately, the waitress was taking his order at the time, and I find it difficult to believe that she could have missed it. I was trying to contain the laughter that had stemmed from my extreme humiliation while L-Star was begging Samson to "fix it." Samson (the star that he is), merely reached over, plucked the wrapper off the gentleman while muttering "excuse me." Ahhh, to be a mature adult...

Ice, Ice, Baby

So, this particular weekend the town of Salem was doing some thing with all these ice sculptures. All sorts of establishments had ice sculptures outside their doors. We got to see lots of them on the walk home.

Also, on the way home I stopped to get my pic taken in a witch cut out, when all of a sudden a girl in Eeyore PJ pants walked by, WHAT ARE THE CHANCES!?!? Had to get a pic of that too.

Then there were the pirates climbing the wall, Samson gave it his best effort:

Quincy, Mass

Ken-Star and I drove out to Quincy to see a couple of friends. It was a good time, but unfortunately the Star's got a little on the "lost" side when they came to get me. There was a couple of tense moments on our trip to IKEA, but it was still super fun. At one point I decided to call 411 to get the address for IKEA so that I could plug it into my GPS (thank God for GPS!). The 411 operated asked me what city, I told him, then he asked how he could help.

Me: "I would like the number for IKEA, please."

Him: "I have a number for IKEA on IKEA Way."
Me: pause, pause, "Ah, that sounds promising, lets try it."

Him: chuckles, "Have a nice night..."

Later that night we went to a brewery for dinner and picked up some 40's on the way home. We spent the evening drinking our 40's and watching Orangatan Island and Scrubs. Samson and I sat back and watched L-Star assemble their new chair. Nice job, L!

The next morning we went and got donuts before Samson took me to the airport.

Thanks for such a fun trip guys!!!

PS- pretty pissed that I left my coat there just in time for the ice storm that we had here yesterday!